


Traught and Turb the Birb in the Asterous Closet of Doom

by The_Mouse_of_Anon



Category: Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Conner wanting to be shot, Crack, Dick and his nonsensical vocabulary, Dick butchering the English language, Gen, Kaldur does not approve of Roy's swearing, a delirious Dick Grayson saying awkward things, crack in a closet, everyone wants Dick to shut up, turb the birb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 10:06:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7431814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Mouse_of_Anon/pseuds/The_Mouse_of_Anon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Conner hadn't asked for this. He hadn't signed up for this. If anyone had ever told him he would be stuck in a closet with the rest of the team and a drugged Robin spouting off really awkward things he would have never joined the team in the first place.</p><p>A pure crack fic of a mission gone wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Traught and Turb the Birb in the Asterous Closet of Doom

**Author's Note:**

> This joyous bit of silliness takes place sometime between seasons 1 and 2 of Young Justice, not too long after Conner broke up with M'gann but before Jason ever entered the picture. Beyond that? Enjoy. (No I'm not sorry.)

There had never been a more ridiculous scenario in all of Conner’s brief life. He hadn’t asked for this. He hadn’t signed up for this. If anyone had told him in the very beginning that he would have risked having to deal with this completely asinine, insipid, infuriating and stupidly cramped situation— _Huh, never thought I’d start resorting to a mental thesaurus if I was annoyed enough._ —he would have willingly declined ever joining the team in the first place. Instead here he was, with the rest of the freaking team (Dick, Kaldur, Artemis, Wally, M’gann, and yes even _Roy_ — so yes, it was in fact _all of them_ ), temporarily hiding _in a closet_. It wasn’t even a big closet! Oh yes, and the fact that it was a supply closet and had a sink inside just served to make it even _more_ cramped.

As if the very fact that they had _no_ personal space wasn’t bad enough (Conner did not want to think about the fact of how uncomfortably close Wally and Artemis were to him, to say nothing of Dick who he was trying to keep from falling and colliding head-first with the sink), to make matters worse Dick was completely delirious and it was a chore keeping him quiet enough so that they wouldn’t be found. He kept wanting to giggle, or talk loudly, or talk loudly _while_ giggling, all while butchering the English language in new and inventive ways. And apparently he had a penchant for saying _really_ awkward things when he was out of it. M’gann at one point had volunteered to establish the mental link between all of them only for Conner to shoot the idea down vehemently. The last thing he wanted was her in his head, much less having to deal with Dick having no reason to stay quiet and so giving full rein to every awkward thing he felt was _vitally important_ that the others should know. It hadn’t taken long for the others to agree that the idea of Dick babbling in their heads at the moment was not something any of them wanted to deal with.

How Conner had ended up being the one with Dick practically in his arms he had no clue, and he was really starting to wish that they could shuffle around and someone else could take care of making sure Dick didn’t fall to the floor in a heap. …Well, as much as that was possible at any rate considering the fact that, oh yes, _there was no room to move around!_

“SB, could you get your elbow out of my side?” Wally hissed almost right next to his ear.

“I would, but he keeps on _moving_ ,” Conner grated out as he tried to keep a reasonable grip on Dick so that he wouldn’t do something ridiculous like bolt out into the hallway. It had been hell enough for them to sneak into the lab to break Dick out (and the fact that he of all of them had been caught in the first place was screw up number one), but none of them had wanted to fight their way out. Mainly because the psychos running the place had heavily invested in about 500 different automated ways to kill a group of people in less than 5 seconds flat. It seemed much more feasible to hide in the closet and wait until they knew the halls were clear of security patrols. At least it had seemed more feasible until—oh yes— _they had ended up in a closet so cramped that they had no personal space!_ Conner was almost tempted to walk out into the hall and let himself be shot. True, it wouldn’t do much, but it was the principle of the idea.

“Okay, Robin, seriously— _stay still_ ,” Conner growled desperately.

“Butbutbut—! We’re all such _beautiful people!_ ” Dick enthused, as if that explained anything about why he was squirming and where he was trying to go.

“We heard you the first time!” Artemis hissed as she leaned a little closer to try to get Dick to shut up, inadvertently pressing her chest against Conner’s arm.

Conner froze before trying to edge away from her as much as he was capable. “Artemis, could you do me a favor and _not_ lean that close?”

She gave Conner a dubious look (oh how wonderful night vision was, he and Kaldur were probably the only ones who could see in this dark— unless Dick’s mask was night vision capable) before saying, “Oh, I’m sorry. It isn’t my fault that I have _breasts_ and they take up _space_!”

“Well excuse me for feeling uncomfortable when I don’t want you plastered to my arm,” he snapped back in a low tone.

Artemis gave an annoyed huff. “Would you prefer if I traded places with Kaldur? Then you could have his ass plastered to your leg.”

“Please leave me out of this,” Kaldur pleaded. Clearly he was just as uncomfortable as Conner was.

“Seriously Artemis, what the fuck?” Roy snarled. It was no secret that he had some interest in Kaldur, but it was low-key enough that it had never really lead to uncomfortable scenarios before now. “Don’t go suggesting who should be plastering themselves to Superboy-”

“How about we just agree that _no one_ should be plastering themselves to me? _Okay?!_ ” The fact that he had broken it off with M’gann was still relatively recent news. In all honesty he was glad that she was on the other side of the closet from him. If she had been pressed up against him the way Artemis and Wally unwillingly were, he would _definitely_ have said to hell with it and just plowed his way outside and not given a crap less how many times he got shot/shot at in the process.

“But SB, you’re— you’re… deous!” Dick blearily protested.

Normally Conner didn’t have too much difficulty follow Dick’s warping of the English language, but this was a new one. “I’m _what_? Robin, that didn’t even make sense.”

“Like… th’ opposite of ‘disaster’ is ‘aster’, so th’ opposite of ‘hideous’ is ‘deous’,” he answered.

“Robin, there’s a word for that already. You were just using it. It’s called ‘beautiful’,” Artemis said while she rolled her eyes.

“ _Noooo_ ,” Dick protested, “’s not th’ same! We’re— we’re all _beautiful_ , but— but, but SB is _deous_. Not as deous as Kaldur’s cheekbones though. He’s got _reeeeeeaaallllyy_ deous cheekbones.” No one imagined Kaldur’s awkward cough of embarrassment.

“Don’t make me drop you,” Conner threatened.

“An’ d’you know who’s _reeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeally_ deous? _Wally_. He’s got th’ deous-est-” The fact that Dick had to pause to breathe _twice_ while saying ‘really’ was enough to make Conner wish he had never gotten out of bed that morning.

Wally reached around Conner to clamp a hand over Dick’s mouth with a hissed, “Will you _shut up already_?! You’re gonna get us killed!”

“Buff iff tru!” Dick said in a muffled whine.

“Christ Dick, what’d they drug you with?” Roy growled.

“I donf noo,” he answered through Wally’s hand.

“Well whatever it is do you think you could calm the fuck down and shut up for one fucking second?” Roy was not pleased. True, he was practically tucked into a corner with Kaldur awkwardly close to him, but the fact that it was the adopted Atlantean prince so close to him and not someone else was not helping in terms of his sense of being crowded. It was a testament to how displeased with the situation they all were than none of the others even bothered trying to tell him not to swear.

“ _Fiiiiiiiine_ ,” Dick whined.

“You’re sure you’ll shut up?” Wally asked cautiously.

“ _Yef_.” 

After a moment or two the speedster warily withdrew his hand and put a little bit of space between himself and Conner’s back. Conner was resolutely trying to tell himself to forget that Wally had been that thoroughly plastered to him.

They waited in silence as they heard someone walk past the closet. All of them (except for probably Dick since he wasn’t exactly thinking coherently) held their breath as they waited for the person to go away. The collective sigh of relief as soon as they heard the footsteps leave was almost audible. Then Dick decided he had to talk again.

“Why… w-why are we all so _pretty_? I mean, izzit like some weird superhero prerequisite that we all be _pretty_?”

“Robin, shut up. Seriously,” Artemis groaned.

“But hear me out! You’re pretty, M’gann’s pretty— well she has a choice over being pretty when she wants to be, Roy’s pretty, Kaldur’s pretty, Conner’s pretty, Wally’s pretty— Wally’s _really_ pretty and-”

“We get it! You like dick! Shut _up_!” Roy snapped.

Conner was pretty sure he heard Kaldur vehemently hissing to Roy, “That was inappropriate! That was entirely inappropriate! We are on a mission! What are you thinking? I can _not_ believe you said that!” but it was mostly drowned out by Dick’s rather confused response.

“…Of course I like myself. Why wouldn’t I like myself? I dun’ have self-esteem issues.”

Conner wanted to facepalm. In fact he probably would have if he wasn’t certain that the moment he did so Dick would collapse face-first into the sink. It really wasn’t helped by the fact that Artemis was trying _really_ hard not to laugh. One phrase was running through Conner’s mind: _Fuck my life._

“Robin,” Conner pleaded, “Stop. Just stop. Stop talking and saying things. At least until we get out of here. Then you can talk all you want. Just… Stop. Talking.”

Dick tried (ineffectually) to squirm around so he could look at Conner (Conner still had no clue if Dick’s mask had night vision capabilities or not). “But I dun’ wanna stop talking,” he said with a pout. If Dick never pouted at Conner again for the rest of his life the kryptonian would be happy. “’Cause— ‘cause if I stop talking then- then- then there’ll be _silence_.” The last word was said with an exaggerated whisper, almost as if Dick thought he was telling a lame campfire ghost story.

“Robin, please. Stop,” Kaldur tried only to go ignored.

“An’ d’you know what happens when there’s _silence_?” Dick continued on in that false-horrified tone.

“I’m sure you’re going to tell us,” Artemis grumbled.

“It’s— it’s _silence_.”

“Oh my god, _shut up already_ ,” Roy groaned.

“And… and with silence… comes- comes _fear_.”

“If I wasn’t in this fucking corner I’d give you something to be afraid of, you little drugged-up maniac,” Roy growled.

Conner was pretty sure he heard Kaldur mutter to Roy, “That is enough. Behaving in a hostile manner is not helping anyone.”

“An’— an’ then! Then _no one is traught!_ ” Dick said.

“Oh god, here we go again,” Wally complained. “Who wants to take bets that he’s going to start to get loud enough that we’re going to be found and we’re all gonna die?”

“…Are you all sure that you don’t want me to establish the mental link?” M’gann offered again.

A quiet but resounding, “NO,” was her answer.

“And in situations like this we need to be traught,” Dick said as if his rambling hadn’t been interrupted.

“Robin, for the love of everything sacred, _shut up_ ,” Wally pleaded.

“Don’t _you_ want to be traught Wally?”

“Robin, stop.”

“But- but Wally! Being traught is a good thing! It feels good to be traught. And turbed. Turbed is good too. Don’t you wanna be turbed Wally?”

“ _Why_ do I have the feeling Dick’s rambling is turning into an extended innuendo all trying to get across that he wants to screw Wally?” Roy grumbled.

“Dude, could you _not_?” Wally snapped at Roy.

“What? He’s the one who keeps going on about how ‘deous’ and ‘pretty’ you are, and asking if _you_ want to be ‘turbed’ or whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean,” the archer retorted.

“He _is_ deous!” Dick said in a delighted tone as he somehow managed to spin in Conner’s grip and tried to scale him to get to Wally. “You’re- y- you’re _so_ deous Wally, an’ it’d be so good if you were traught, an’ turbed, an’-an’-an’… sleebed.”

“What the fuck does that even _mean_?!”

“Roy, will you please _stop_?” Kaldur hissed.

With Artemis’s help Conner managed to get Dick off of him and with his feet planted back on the floor.

Giving a long-suffering sigh, Artemis said to Dick in a bright talking-to-little-kids voice, “Robin, don’t you think you should calm down?”

“…No.”

She tried again. “Robin, where are we?”

Dick thought about that one longer and harder than he really should have had to. “A closet?”

“A closet where?” she prompted.

“Uh… A base? A villain’s base?”

“ _Good._ And do you know what will happen if we’re _found_ here?”

Again Dick thought a little too long and hard before he answered that one. “We’ll end up in the labs?”

“Possibly. Or?”

Dick stuck his tongue out as he thought before finally answering, “Or we could get shot.”

“Someone just shoot me now,” Conner grumbled under his breath.

“Seriously,” Wally agreed.

“So Robin,” Artemis continued while ignoring them, “Don’t you think you _really_ should calm down?”

“…Right. Gotta be traught.”

“ _Exactly_ ,” she agreed.

Dick was quiet for all of six seconds before he asked, “Why’re we in th’ closet again?”

“I swear to god if that was an intended metaphor-” Roy started grumbling only for his words to suddenly become muffled. 

Conner glanced over to see that Kaldur had clamped a hand over Roy’s mouth with a near-silent, “E _nough_.”

“We’re in the closet so we don’t get shot, until it’s safe to leave,” Artemis answered Dick, clearly having a hard time not letting her voice drop into a ‘you’re a dumbass’ tone.

“Right. Gotta be calm so we don’t get shot. Wouldn’t be asterous,” Dick muttered, only to keep on rambling (which really did nothing for how serious he was trying to be). “Gotta be traught, an’ gotta be turbed.” For a moment they had silence yet again, and then Dick started giggling.

“Oh for crying out loud, _now what_?” Wally almost whined.

“It’s- it’s- it’s nothing,” Dick giggled, which just made his giggling worse.

“What did we just agree on?” Artemis demanded.

“I- I know! It’s just-” He kept on giggling.

Conner gave an aggravated sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose while trying to keep a reasonable grip on Dick. He finally growled out, “You’re probably not going to stop laughing until you say it, so just spit it out already and get it out of the way.”

“O-okay, it’s just…” Dick erupted in another fit of giggles.

“ _What?!_ ” Wally snapped, half-tempted to lunge over Conner’s shoulder to throttle the delirious teen.

Dick snorted in laughter before finally getting out, “Traught and turb the birb in the asterous closet of doom.”

The others went silent while Dick continued to giggle nonsensically. “That’s it. I’m done. I’ve had it,” Conner said before carefully grabbing hold of Dick and starting to shuffle around to the door.

“Conner! What are you doing?” Artemis hissed.

“I am done,” he answered, “I’d rather go out there and get shot than have to deal with this one more second.”

“Fuckin’ _thank you_ ,” Roy seconded after he’d pulled Kaldur’s hand away from his mouth.

“Wally- _Wally!_ Would- would you… ‘Traught and turb the birb in the asterous closet of doom’?” Dick giggled like it was the most hilarious thing he’d ever heard.

There was a beat, and then Wally said, “Okay, you know what? Let’s just get the hell out of here.”

***

By the time they had gotten back to base with a riotously laughing Robin in tow they were annoyed, they were tired, and they just _really_ wanted Dick to _shut up_. Conner had at least had the sense to use his infrared vision so they had been able to avoid people and sneak out, but it had been a near thing several times (no thanks to Dick and his babbling).

As soon as they had gotten inside their base Conner stopped to look at the others and said, “I’ve got a suggestion. This whole incident? We don’t talk about it ever again. I want to forget it ever happened.”

“5,000 percent fuckin’ _agreed_ ,” Roy said.

“And when Dick comes to his senses? What if he wants to know?” Wally asked, exhaustion weighing heavily in his tone.

M’gann hesitantly put in, “It would only be fair to tell him.”

“Then we tell him, and then after _that_ we never speak of this atrocity again,” Artemis answered.

“It would seem we are in agreement.” Kaldur sounded just as exhausted as the rest of them.

“Traught and turb the birb!” Dick cackled maniacally only to be met with a simultaneous response from the rest of them.

“Dick, _shut up!_ ”


End file.
